WORK

I'd like to put this out on the Kitchen Table for discussion: WORK
Recently, I've been searching for a new job. It's depressing. Why? Not only the lack of jobs that are not available in Portland, OR, but mostly the kinds of jobs. I'd like to make myself clear from the beginning, I don't feel like I should have a job handed to me or even that I'm the type of girl who could walk into a place and get a job on the spot. I'm not that arrogant or naive. Here's the issue that keeps me awake at night or that wakes me up early in the morning. What kind of work can I do? My background/resume shows retail experience brushed with a little bit of human services type work. The latter I'd love to do but, no more retail! I can't. Since being unemployed I've been thinking a lot about consumerism. I even read up a little and researched the topic. It's frightening and it is definitely a world I'm no longer interested in participating in. I realize that avoiding any sort of consumerism is impossible. I know that, I have to buy food and pay rent and feed my dogs. But I'm thinking more along the lines of the of buying into what you have to have to be a successful or even functioning part of society. Snazzy shoes, new cars, lots of furniture, and I guess just lots of stuff. I've begun to realize that although this way of living has proven to be fantastic for the middle class and up in America it isn't so great for everyone else. I don't want to be a part of this BUY! BUY! BUY! culture anymore. And I don't want to be a part of selling this to people. All the while I was working at my last job, I just felt like, oh, I'm only doing this until until I figure out what I really want to do. Then I quit. Not only did I quit, but fed up with an abusive management team, I walked out. AFTER SEVEN YEARS! So for the past two months, I've been figuring out what to do with myself... With little success.
To paint a picture I've been relating my situation to Frida Kahlo's. I know it sounds strange. I mean I'm not really an artist. I'd love to be, but I'm afraid of trying. But this is my correlatrion:
I first learned about Frida Kahlo in college, in a Women's Mythology class. What struck me most about Frida, the person, was she was constantly reinventing herself. Trying to figure out where she fit into the different world's she loved. That is how I feel. Where do I fit in and what can I do to satisfy all aspects of me? Frida always seemed like she had to choose between her more traditonal roots that her art was really steeped in and the socialist community that she was actively involved in. Today, I feel like I am being pulled between the things I want to do, art activism, simple living, etc. and the things I have to do, mainly earn a living. I am frustrated, so frustrated. It just seems like there is no way to do both. I hate the idea that earning a living means compromising what you believe in. It can't mean that. I just am not how to make it mean that. I'm sure I just need to chill out, take a deep breath. Actually, this is what I need: I need someone to grab me by the should, shake me a little, and say get a grip, here's what you should do! Kind of like zen buddhism, instant enlightenment.
I know I have some choices to make about what to do, I just feel like they are all crammed in front of me in the form of bills. I'm afraid I'm going to let my desparation get the best of me. It is already seeping out here and there. I need to remember that despite my little financial set back, I'm still OK. Frustrated but OK. I think if I'm patient I can figure this out. Perhaps it is just my first battle of consumerism withdrawal.